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For all the girls...the best way to end your relationship with
your boyfriend in a very sadistic


Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough
and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make
the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...
 ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little
lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that
you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Copyright 2001-2002, Bizy Garink. All rights reserved.